Story by Johnny VonGnarly and Controid
Story illustration by Jonathan Chanutomo
It was 6am and the sun was just appearing over the horizon. Mr. Hitler was in his red pajamas, doing his morning exercise routine. The first exercise he never skipped included the stretching of his right arm as he saluted himself in the mirror. Once he was pleased with the height and the angle of his arm, he began testing his vocal cords by loudly yelling “Heil Hitler” at his own reflection. He always flinched a little during this bit and it filled him with joy. Yes, he was still as authoritative as ever. He finished the routine with a swift march around his oversized desk and sat down in his huge chair with a glass of milk. His thoughts drifted away.
As he was sipping on his morning milk, he remembered a dream he had last night. In the dream, he was about as tall as the American Chrysler building (which he absolutely despised) and as strong as a thousand German Panzer tanks. He emerged from the
Atlantic Ocean, decapitated the Statue of Liberty and continued to destroy a good part of Manhattan. All the US planes and tanks couldn’t hurt him. He was unstoppable. At one point, though, he heard a distant roar coming from the ocean. Apparently, he wasn’t the only thing that emerged from the ocean. All he could see was a dark silhouette, far at the edges of the city. It filled him with so much fear that he started to shake. His hands became sweaty and was about to faint when he suddenly woke up.
He didn’t like that dream. Sure, it wasn’t real; he knew that all too well. Yet, a small voice in his head kept urging him to make sure. The beast was just a myth, and yet, during his life, he saw many myths come to life. This time, there was no place for errors. Today was the day he would deal with that threat for good.
Somewhere around noon, as Hitler was responding to hate mail from other countries, someone knocked on his door. It was the lead scientist of his special team. Hitler never knew his name. He really didn’t care.
“Sir! We did it! We located him!”
“Really? How marvelous! Get the plane ready and assemble my special unit. We’re going on a hunt.”
“Oh, and just one more thing… I am quite disappointed by your efficiency. I expected the beast to be located days ago… Choose, say, three slowest members of your team and execute them today.”
You could see the man’s smile slowly fade from his face as the words left his mouth.
“OK, make it four. I don’t have all day. Where is my plane?”
Hitler’s special team included himself, his lead scientist Otto, a group of about 12 soldiers, and their guide who secretly despised all the Nazis but couldn’t do anything about it. The team used a special aircraft designed by some of Hitler’s most notorious inventors at the time. It could fly around the world in a matter of hours and as silently as a timid pigeon. Needless to say, the trip to Skull Island was no challenge except that the group had to make a few stops along the way. Hitler’s bladder problem was no joke and it annoyed him greatly. Some say that it was during one of his regular nightly visits to the bathroom that he actually came up with the idea of conquering the world.
Once they arrived there, they found out that the guide didn’t speak German and there was no way of explaining to him who they wanted to track down. The Führer was, mildly put, enraged. He walked over to the nearest palm tree and started to hack at it imagining the guide’s stupid face. It took him about an hour or so to get rid of all that anger inside him. As soon as he was done, he turned around and with an artificial smile on his face said “Fine, I’ll lead the way then. Tell this ‘guide’ to get out of my sight.”
The soldiers looked at each other and said nothing. Otto decided it was his role to address this issue.
“But, sir, we can’t. He doesn’t speak German. That’s the whole problem.”
Hitler looked at Otto with fire in his eyes and then switched his focus to the guide.
“Go away!” he said gesturing with his hand.
The guide smiled and waved back.
Hitler finally gave up, took out his machete and started to make his way through the thick forest. His entire entourage followed, including the oblivious guide. They wandered the forests of Skull Island for hours until they finally heard a terrifying roar a couple of miles away.
“That must be where he is. I can feel it. Soon I will have my very own monster to do as I command. We will tear down the cities together.”
One solitary tear came down Hitler’s face as he thought about this amazing prospect. He wiped it off with his sleeve and rushed through the deep woods towards the roar. Inside, he felt both excited and afraid. That is just how he liked things to be.
After about a mile, they finally saw the glorious beast, the almighty King Kong. Hitler’s eyes watered a little as he thought of all the destruction they would bring about together.
“Are the tranquilizer darts ready? We’ll need a whole bunch of them for this ape.”
Without looking at Otto, Hitler continued.
“Sir, I think we should be really quiet now.”
“What are you goin’ on about? Are the tranquilizers…?”
As Hitler turned around, set on executing someone to brighten up this gloomy day, he finally saw it. Right before him stood a 30-foot dinosaur with razor sharp teeth and a bloodthirsty look in its eyes. Hitler stood frozen in place and tried to whisper an order to his soldiers. He spoke as softly as a timid schoolgirl during an exam.
“Shoot this thing… please.”
After nothing happened, he repeated the order, but this time louder, with some dictatorial determination in his voice. The dinosaur growled at Hitler a bit more until it felt something on its neck. It was a bullet from one of the soldiers, but to this beast, it was nothing but a slight inconvenience. It turned its head towards the soldiers and immediately jumped on the closest one, knocking him to the ground, tearing him limb from limb. Hitler helplessly watched as this bloody frenzy continued. Hitler lost five capable blonde soldiers as their screams echoed throughout the forest. This is when Otto gathered up his courage and decided to make a move. He ordered two of the soldiers to make a distraction, while he pulled out a strange-looking device with one extremely sharp end from his pocket. As the men sacrificed most of their limbs to please the Führer, Otto ran up from behind, stuck the device in the dinosaur’s foot and quickly moved away.
“What the hell is that?” Hitler asked, completely ignoring the fact that most of his men were still dying out there.
Otto pulled out a small remote with a couple of buttons and pressed the red one.
“It’s something new I’ve been working on. Let’s see if it actually works.”
About a minute or so nothing happened and then, all of a sudden, the dinosaur fell to the ground and let out a painful scream. It was completely motionless. Hitler smiled unable to hide his true feelings.
“Well done, Otto. That was exceptional.”
“That’s not all, sir.”
After pressing the blue button, the dinosaur suddenly stood up and turned around. It growled and screamed, looking straight into Hitler’s eyes. One careful step after the other, the dinosaur approached him and crouched down.
“You can climb on its back, sir. It’s perfectly safe. I can control it now. It follows my commands.”
Hitler climbed the beast, grabbed the remote controller from Otto’s hands and with a wide smile gave it a test run. There was no doubt that huge, mean killing machines were his thing, but to test this one fully, he needed a volunteer. Perhaps one of his soldiers that wasn’t blonde enough? His eyes immediately fell on Hans, the weird red-haired radio guy who never knew how to hold a Luger properly. Hitler remembered walking in on him one Sunday afternoon, as he was sitting in the tent, listening to some horrific American jazz. “Yes, he would do,” Hitler thought as he pressed that huge black button. The dinosaur devoured Hans before you could say, Heil Hitler.
“You’ve outdone yourself, Otto. Now, let’s deal with the ape!”
Riding this ferocious dinosaur, Hitler galloped towards the source of that roar they’d heard some time ago. Otto, the oblivious guide, and the surviving soldiers tried to keep up.
Once Hitler reached the opening, he was amazed to realize that King Kong was nowhere to be seen. Based on the tracks on the ground, there was some struggle and it appeared that he had been dragged away. The dinosaur he was riding had an exceptional nose, though, and quickly picked up the scent.
About two hours into the chase, Hitler was ready to give up. The dinosaur must have followed a wrong scent or he made a wrong turn somewhere. His mind was coming up with numerous explanations when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. They had already reached the shoreline and somewhere in the distance, he could see a bunch of people pulling ropes and moving something huge wrapped up in tarps onto a ship. At the ship’s wheel was a face he recognized from the papers – a famous American director Carl Denham. However, it wasn’t him that actually caught Hitler’s attention, but the beautiful blonde standing right next to him.
As Hitler was staring into the distance, Otto and the men finally arrived, drenched in sweat and with almost no life in them. Otto grabbed his flask, opened it up and realized it was empty. “Das fuck!!!!!!,” Otto screamed, causing weird looking bug-eyed birds to fly away from the surrounding trees. Otto stared down at the flask he just dropped to the ground, shaking his head sheepishly. “Das fuck,” he mumbled to himself again.”
“Hush, now, Otto. We wouldn’t want you alerting our ape-snatchers out there. Use the radio and tell our pilot to meet us a couple of miles back. We’ll follow this glamorous bunch to see where they’re taking my monster.”
As Otto tried (and failed) to use the radio because of his incredibly dry mouth, Hitler couldn’t take his eyes from the young actress he later learned was called Ann Darrow. She seemed like a perfect Arian specimen and that was enough to make Hitler fall in love… or whatever the Nazis called this feeling.
“You had to land into those bushes, didn’t you?” Hitler yelled at the pilot as he was straightening out his perfect German uniform. “I want her to see me in the best light, as a proper dictator and not some dirty hobo who can’t even conquer France.” He chuckled a bit, revoking some rather violent memories.
Following Denham’s ship, Hitler reached the coast of New York City. Everything looked a lot bigger than it did in his dreams. The very thought of smashing up those buildings created some fuzzy feeling in his stomach. With a smile, he walked over to Central Park where this magnificent beast, King Kong, was showcased as the “8th Wonder of the World.” It seemed that this director was creating a new, live show with the ape as the main star. Hitler decided that kidnapping King Kong in front of such a crowd would show off the power of the Nazis and put fear into the hearts of those damn Americans. He felt, obviously, superior.
“How can an overgrown ape be called the 8th Wonder of the World? I am the Ubermensch! The one true wonder this world needs… It appears the world needs to be reminded of this.”
The plan was as follows – Hitler’s soldiers would sneak in from behind, attack Denham and his men and release the beast from its shackles. There had to be a giant key, right? In the midst of all that confusion, Hitler would kidnap the girl and take her back to the aircraft. It was up to Otto to come up with a way to restrain that beast and dominate it. Needless to say, Otto wasn’t fond of that plan. He thought of protesting, but it was pointless… And he was still thirsty…
“Let’s go!” Hitler yelled and everyone moved to their positions.
But how was he going to get through the crowd without anyone noticing him? After all, he was the most important figure in the world. He was someone children looked up to (or at least so he thought). Suddenly, out of nowhere, he spotted something interesting in the crowd. Just a few hundred feet from the tent, some kind of rally was happening. About a dozen people dressed up as German soldiers protested this exhibit, reminding people that the war in Europe was still on. One of them was even dressed as Hitler himself, although not as dashing, in Hitler’s opinion.
He slowly made his way to the group and casually blended in yelling things like “War!” “Remember Hitler?” and “The world is falling apart.” He smiled with every word. From within the group, he saw the tent and tried to herd the group there with his natural leadership skills. As they were getting closer, the Hitler impersonator turned towards the original and shoved him.
“Hey, who are you? I haven’t seen you around before.”
“Ja… Ugh, I’m new here. It’s my first day on the job. Down with Hitler and all that nonsense.”
“What do you mean ‘job’? Is someone paying you for this? You look awfully familiar… Ugh… Are you…?”
The impersonator’s eyes grew widened as he realized who was standing before him. It was his worst nightmare.
Hitler decided that was it. He pulled out his mighty Luger pistol when he heard screams in the distance and that famous roar. The beast was loose. People started panicking and running around, while Hitler quickly ran into the tent, found Ann and grabbed her by the hand.
“I have no time for introductions, though you’ve probably heard of me and admired me from afar. Well, your wish has come true.”
“Let me go, you maniac. Someone help!”
Hitler dragged her out and signaled his pilot to come pick him up. At that point, Otto appeared out of nowhere.
“Sir, I don’t have any other ideas. You’ll need to take care of this. Goodbye.”
Otto injected him with a weird serum and ran away in horror. Hitler’s arm hurt for a little bit but it soon passed. Whatever Otto gave him failed. He looked in the distance and saw King Kong destroying New York, one building at a time. Needless to say, Hitler felt betrayed. He wanted to control that raging monkey. He wanted people to know that it was him who caused this devastation. Ready to accept defeat, he pulled Ann by the hand and led her to the aircraft that was just soaring above the park.
All of a sudden, Hitler heard those large footsteps closer and closer. King Kong saw him pulling Ann’s hand and immediately decided to protect her. Just like Hitler, the creature had an unhealthy fascination with blondes. Hitler panicked and watched as his pilot tried to intercept the beast. With just one easy swat, King Kong destroyed the aircraft and continued moving towards the Führer. Hitler let go of Ann, fell down to his knees and started to pray. He wasn’t much of a religious person, but at that time, he would gladly join hands with some praying Jewish fellas, as long as it saved him from being squashed like a Matzah ball! He closed his eyes and thought of his beloved Germany.
When he opened his eyes, he felt strangely different. The world around him shrunk and King Kong was staring straight into his eyes. Somehow, Hitler was the same size as the giant ape. At first, he thought of thanking God, but quickly realized it was Otto’s work. It was time to show the world just who Hitler was. He dusted off his knees, gave a scowl, and ran straight towards King Kong.
The first punch was Hitler’s. One strong, uppercut and Kong fell down, destroying a building with his mighty back. This little victory was incredibly motivating for Hitler. He looked at his fist and then lifted it up gloriously towards the sky as if greeting the sun. It is because of the sun that he didn’t see the kick coming. The creature was right beside him, kicking him in the stomach and forcing him to let off a giant, guttural moan, as all air left his lungs. He immediately struck back, but the ape dodged. A few more punches to the jugular and Hitler realized that he would have to flee. He ran towards the Empire State building and started to climb. A part of him knew it was a bad idea, but he was desperate. As he was making his way towards it, he managed to spot Ann down on the street. With a swift movement of his hand, he picked her up and took her with him.
“Hey, you stupid monkey! Look what I’ve got! Make just one more step and I will throw her into the sea, never to be found again.”
Ann screamed and the sound of her voice seemed to trigger Kong’s rage even more. There is one thing that Hitler never actually considered – the fact that apes don’t speak German. Kong lunged towards Hitler, ignoring his threats and grabbing the arm that was holding Ann.
“Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape,” Hitler screamed as Kong opened his arm, grabbed Ann and put her safely on top of his shoulder. Then he turned around and with pure rage in his eyes started bashing away at Hitler. The first couple of punches seemed to focus on his face. Hitler managed to dodge a couple of them and started to climb higher and higher. Just as he reached the spire, he spotted a couple of fighter planes coming his way. Clearly, they were no match for him. Hitler knocked down one of them and was getting ready to crush the second one when Kong appeared once again. The ape blocked Hitler’s fist and the two started to exchange blows with Ann holding on to Kong’s hairy shoulder for dear life.
“These people enslaved you! Why are you even defending them?” Hitler screamed at the ape while dodging half the blows. Somewhere in between, he spotted Ann. “Oh, I see. You’re doing this for her? Well, what will you do now?”
With jealousy in his eyes, Hitler tried to reach for Ann with his left arm. Kong saw that, caught his arm in mid-air and punched Hitler as hard as he could. In complete shock, Hitler lost balance and plummeted towards the ground below.
About a mile away, Otto was watching everything with a cone of ice-cream in his hand. He was casually sitting on a bench, as the entire city was cheering for Kong. An old woman with a smile on her face turned to Otto and said,
“Well, that ape sure kicked Hitler’s ass.”
Otto took another lick and dramatically answered.
“It wasn’t the ape that killed Hitler. It was his weird blonde obsession…”