Dad jokes -

Top 50 Dad Jokes

You don't have to be crude to be funny, and we're proving that theory by offering a Top 50 Dad Jokes list. Enjoy. And, feel free to send your best dad joke our way.

1. Ducks have feathers to cover their butt quacks

2. Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute? It has a sticker that says, "Idaho".

3. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

4. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

5. What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

6. Did you hear the one about the bank teller who got fired from his job? A woman asked him to check her balance... so he pushed her over.

7. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

8. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

9. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

10. Did you hear about the guy who bought a boat? Yeah, it was for sail.

11. Wanna know why you haven't heard of the movie Constipation? Because it hasn't come out yet.

12. Why is "Dark" spelled with a K, and not a C? Because you can't C in the dark.

13. Did you hear the song about the tortilla? Actually, it was more of a wrap.

14. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for Fresh Prints.

15. I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

16. What color is the wind? Blew.

17. Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

18. I wasn't able to make reservations at the library. They're completely booked.

19. How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.

20. I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.

21. Why shouldn't you trust stairs? Because they are always up to something.

22. What do you call... I mean what is... Shit, I forgot all of my boomerang jokes, but I'm sure they'll come back to me.

23. My doctor was struggling to write my prescription when I said, "Doc, that's a rectal thermometer in your hand!" The doctor replied, "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

24. I have a pen that writes underwater. Yeah, it can write other words too.

25. My wife text messaged me with one word: "Earth." It meant the world to me.

26. What do you call a small mother? A minimum.

27. I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon... I'll let you know...

28. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

29. My husband tells me I have two major faults. I don't listen... and something else.

30. I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

31. Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Nowadays if you talk about botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

32. My Korean friend died last week. So Yung.

33. I have a fear of speed bumps... But, I'm slowly getting over them.

34. A sweater I bought was pickup up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one... free of charge.

35. Does anyone need an ark built? Because I Noah guy.

36. What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.

37. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?

38. I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

39. What's a penguin's favorite relative? Aunt Arctica.

40. Due to the quarantine... I'll only be telling inside jokes.

41. What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

42. What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I gotta give these two a lift.

43. The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I had no words to describe how angry I was.

44. Who built King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.

45. How did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.

46. The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

47. People are always shocked when I tell them I'm a terrible electrician.

48. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

49. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own? It was two tired.

50. I used to have a job at the calendar factory. But I got fired for taking a couple days off.