HUSSY QUICKIES

Craft Beer for Base Model Men

By Phillip Garcia
IG: @phillipgarciacomedy

“I'll have a Long Day Hazy IPA and a Blue Moon for the lady.” Tragic words. A man who can come to ask for such things has probably never experienced a long day and chances are the lady next to him does not exist. It's an interesting place the masculinity of this country has arrived at. Maybe it's all a terrible effort to make the craft beer market as diversified as the cannabis strain market, and they're just pumping out anything with a clever graphic on the front of the can in the hopes of it becoming the next...Shiner? Fuck if I know.

What I do know is the strikingly similar characteristics of the men who order these craft beers with crazy names like Bigfoot's Dick, Sweet and Sour Shandy, and Hot and Heavy Hazy IPA. Strangely enough, when I asked a couple of strangers and some buddies what they preferred beer-wise, their answers were often unorganized and had no clear meaning. Ten out of ten times men oddly gave close to the same answer. “Oh man, I just really like the hops in this one, the hops make me feel like it's a really solid beer.” What the hell do hops taste like, Dave? Is it accentuating a flavor from the Bud Light you drank for 12 years that you miss? Does the price tag make you feel like you matter more? Chances are yes.

If you want to develop a lisp and a sommelier’s taste for craft beer, chances are that you also open a craft brewery. It's the newest way of saying you're an alcoholic with taste. That's right, you have a beard that gets more treatment than your children and a great story about how “my cycling trip through Germany just changed the way I drink beer, bro.” 

The problem for me is the rowdiness craft beer has taken away from the artful form of drinking cheap beer. We now live in a world where instead of five good buddies showing up with a thirty rack each, we now have to deal with everyone bringing their own six-pack, endlessly talking about it, and the two buddies who forgot to bring their own (they totally just forgot, right?) so they have to take away from everybody else. Besides the obvious problem with the lack of beer to go around now the party is left in turmoil of having the number one topic of discussion being the details of the craft beer you brought. I miss when you were able to slam three stones down the gullet, break some shit in your buddy's house, and then chug two more cheersing over how badass it was that you just broke Kyle's family heirloom coffee table.

You just don't get the same effects on a gathering when it's full of craft beer. Just a bunch of well-fitted short-sleeve button-up shirts, leather shoes, and belts that match. Bring back the chaos that cheap beer used to create. Bring back the broken furniture, and bring back the lack of taste which somehow made up for a more flavorful evening. 

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The Rise of Electric Tattooing in America

By Matt Mills
IG: @papschop

The self-expression of body art and modification can be found in all social classes of people in today's society. Doctors, lawyers, executives, school teachers, and even clergymen have made a common practice of displaying art, although generally not exposed in their professional environments, in various forms on their bodies. This however was not always the case. In the early days of electric tattooing, the majority of art collectors were either soldiers, sailors, or people who were looked upon by higher reaches of society as general miscreants. Artists all over the country practicing their craft were generally only welcomed to do business in back alleys and boardwalks of port cities where servicemen were returning from WWII.

The 1940s have often been regarded as the “Golden Age” of tattooing due to the mindset of patriotism and the preponderance of men in uniform. The American traditional style of tattooing was born from this era and has remained popular through the ages. Artists such as Norman “Sailor Jerry” Collins, Don Ed Hardy, and Mike Malone were making a living sharing their artform in places like the Hotel St. District of Honolulu Hawaii, where Sailor Jerry started his first electric tattoo parlor in 1942.

On December 8th of 1891, Samuel Oreily received US patent number 464,801 for the first electric tattoo machine. After that history has continued to follow this subculture with amazing artists developing skills and technology all over the world adopting different styles and forms to create art that draws customers to their collective studios to endure the enjoyable buzz of electric coil machines and the smell of green soap.

In early 1927 Collins met Tatts Thomas, regarded by many as the original electric tattoo artist. Thomas taught Collins to use the electric machines and that lesson has been continually passed through the generations with Collins passing his skills and knowledge along to associates Ed Hardy and Mike Malone. Malone later inherited Collins's parlor after his passing from a heart attack in 1973.

By the 1950s tattooing had established a place in American society, although still viewed by people outside the culture as vulgar, dirty, and of distaste, it was obvious tattooing was here to stay. Artists continued to tattoo military men and blue-collar workers, but often refused to tattoo a female unless she was 21 years of age, married, and accompanied by her spouse, to spare artists the wrath of a mad father or unwitting husband.

As we look through the rise of electric tattooing, so many amazing American traditional artists deserve mention that I would have to fill the entire issue of this magazine to mention them all. Mildred Hull, also known as “Queen of the Bowery,” was the first female tattoo artist in New York.  She opened Tattoo Emporium now known as NYC Tattoo Shop in 1939. Artists like Brett Grimm were traveling the roads circa 1920 laying down full back pieces on anyone willing to wear their art for life. Fast forward to the present and artists like Valerie Vargas, Stewart Robson, Alex Zampirri, Taylor Steckman, and many more are keeping the same traditions alive.

Today, regardless of all the other chaos and judgment taking place in society, tattooing has been accepted as a legitimate art form, attracting all walks of life. Some getting work done to memorialize a friend or family member, some to mark significant events in their lives, some as a form of therapy, and others just because they want to. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why or what, as long as what it means to you has as much an impact as what it meant to these early pioneers of the craft. Those who were daring enough to step outside the norm, do what wasn’t acceptable, and accept the backlash they faced for doing what they loved and sharing it with the world. To quote Sailor Jerry, “If you don’t think you have cajones enough to wear a tattoo, don’t get one.” That single quote speaks volumes to what people who brought us this art form had to deal with daily. Waking up every day doing what you love and sharing it with those around you is the real American dream and the rise of electric tattooing is still a cornerstone of our American subculture.

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Balloon Knot Fascination

By Fanci P
IG: @thefancip
Onlyfans.com/thefancip

Balloon knot, pink star, bunghole, pooper, rump, anus, back passage, cheerio, backdoor. I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard them. We all know a plethora of words that we can use to define our buttholes. Men and women alike all love to see our poop shoots, but the real question we should be asking ourselves is, why? How can something that’s a term that we frequently use as an insult towards an unsavory person and an area that is literally used to expel waste be considered sexy and dare I say, a huge fucking turn-on?

Is it just because in the past that area has been considered to be taboo, or could it be something else? As a proud sex worker (with a very delectable derriere), I have always been asked to show my illustrious evil eye (fairly regularly, I might add), but even my non sex worker friends have joined the star showing phenomenon. So, what’s the frigging deal? What is it that we all find so intriguing about our beautiful balloon knots?

Let’s be real here, fetishes aren’t anything new and have existed long before PornHub and OnlyFans was ever a thing. In fact, I remember as a teenager watching scrambled porn after school at a friend’s house of a dominatrix knuckle deep in a man’s ass. While fingering and going downtown on another person has always been seen as a fun and intimate thing, probing and knocking on the back door has always been considered to be… a little fucking kinky! Have we all become extra dirty during COVID? Have we lost our way down the rabbit hole of porn? Or are our buttholes just extra prettier these days? I can attest to one thing; the ass circumferences have been getting bigger! 

Between being quarantine thick or with surgical enhancement, I have to be honest, our asses are fucking huge! Tremendous, gigantic, extra-large, massive! With more surface area and everyone buying those damn Amazon scrunch butt yoga pants, there’s for sure more for us to look at and be turned on by, and our little winkers are just a sexy added bonus of those bubble booties.

Having sex from behind/doggy style or in reverse cowgirl position has always been an ideal way to showcase our glorious gloryholes. Bleached, puckered, plugged, double-penetrated, pink, tight, and prolapsed are just a few of the hot keywords that we find in porn relating to the bodacious back passages. While a majority of the butthole porn viewed has to do with either filling them or exiting them, you don’t necessarily need to have an anal fetish to enjoy watching anal sex. 

Let’s face it, sex is just fucking fun to watch, regardless of which hole is being fucked. Lots of people specifically enjoy stroking it to butt stuff. When I say butt stuff, I am referring to all things relative to our pink puckers. When asked, many butthole connoisseurs said that they mostly love to just watch them wink, be gaped, spread open, touched, and licked. Yes, they consider it to be a dirty place but knowing that is the naughty part for them.

It does kind of seem like recently both pegging (using a strap-on dildo to anally intrude your partner) and rimming (having someone licking and kissing your perfect pooper) have become more mainstream and destigmatized. Fuck, it has even been showcased in songs and on television shows! (some of which your mother has heard) “Honey, what does it mean when she says bottom feeder in that Cardi B song? Wait, what does WAP mean?” (as you cringe). The truth of the matter is, everyone is a lot more sexual and looking for pleasure these days. I mean, who isn’t looking for that? And honestly, have you ever had your salad tossed or had your partner stick a pinky in? I have to say, it’s pretty fucking amazing! Some may even say it’s life-changing, actually. If you haven’t done it or tried it, you are seriously missing out. 

So, are we all dirty perverts? Well, I am, but you’re probably not, ha! The bottom line about our bottoms is that we just love buttholes. They’re fun to play with, fun to look at and our fascination and love for them isn’t going anywhere and will only continue to keep growing.

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Masculinity on the Chopping Block

By Nick Ward
IG: @nick_oddrod

In today’s cancel-based society, masculinity seems to always be on the chopping block. People like to think that men should be neutered so they stop being violent and taking shit over. The problem is, men are violent, chest-beating conquerors that have driven all aspects of society to where it is today. 

Admittedly, it’s not all men to praise for our current society. For example, as I type this over a WiFi signal, I am using technology created by Ms. Hedy Lamarr that is still used today in classified communications on fighter jets. Women had a great deal to do with where we are today, and I am not disputing any of that.

My question is, what is so wrong with masculinity? Most of us are fans of shows like “Mad Men” where Scotch-swilling Advertising Executives womanize their way through life. Obviously, there needs to be hard lines we do not cross that involve rape, murder, and bloodthirsty shit like that. We need to be humans first, and guys second. But those guys use their masculinity as confidence to make life better for everyone around them.

What gets me is this thing we have is important. Ego is primal and what lets us know we can defend our families. It is what makes us attractive to women. Masculinity is what gets us out of bed with the thought of kicking today’s ass. What you do not see from bearded latte-drinking hipsters is swagger. Our grandfathers had it when they returned from Normandy and Iwo Jima, our fathers had it when they brought us into the digital age and we should have it as we sort our way through the Twattersphere. Social media has given everyone a voice and suddenly dotting the eye of the guy talking shit is toxic.  

Fuck that, sitting behind a keyboard and spewing bullshit without fear of reprisal is toxic. It leads to an inflated sense of entitlement and sends the wrong message. Our actions have repercussions. You cannot slide through life insulting anyone you please, this is not the way of the world. Nature lends itself to the strongest in the pack. Lions fight their fathers for control of the pack and the ability to mate. This ensures the strongest bloodlines continue and the species survives. Humans are the same way.  Brave men like Technical Sergeant John A. Chapman protected his brothers and died for them because he was masculine. Countless other heroes have defended this Republic because they would not be intimidated by lesser males.

Masculinity is a big part of what keeps us human. We owe our life today to the testosterone that flows through us and makes us want to take the hill, go to the Moon, sail to the New World or start the Industrial Revolution. So stand up straight, stick your fucking chest out and stroll down the street like you mined the cement yourself. There are a few of us that still believe in the equity of masculinity.